I wonder how many people think I am a dork for the things I do and say.
I am insecure, God forgive me inability to appreciate myself. I feel that my negative thoughts are the most hostile crap I face up to every morning when I wake and every night when I lay, I feel defeated.
Lately I’ve been fighting them off, I feel better. But I sensed that the battle wears me, and I find that I keeping up with it is going to be such a long and treacherous journey. Worst, during this birthday, I felt like life is going to be full of repetitions, but of different forms. I feel defeated.
These thoughts, I cannot control due to its excessive amount that overpowers me. However, I have been trying to convince myself that it is my choice to let it not affect me. I have been out of practice with my optimism, but I have seen improvements and I recognise I want to do better and I do not want to slide back into my negativity.
Lately I have had a lot of practice. I realised that I have been drowning myself in them. I am easily wavered by opinions and testing and I do not believe in myself enough. I know that currently it affects how I perform in UT, as a leader and in class, God help me to believe in myself, help me to believe in You more.
I know that my identity is in Christ, and in Him I am something for He lives in me. But like a seeker of the faith, I desire for myself to discover that and own the faith.
I thank God I have overcame my issues with my pride, insults and hatred. Even though I feel extremely victimised, I know I have a share of the fault to the situation. The scar stays, the memories that accompany it still lingers and it still stings, I may not be stronger person, but I am a little better.
But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness; he does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded him. 1 John 2:11
During this December, so much things happen. I guess writing up is only rather brief, I was really caught up with all the work and stuff.
So I had more time to bond with E44R, and I am extremely thankful for them. I just wish I had time and opportunities to spend with them and more, I guess I have other friends on my heart already. That is RP, we mix around, I guess sticking to one group is a good thing, you show your friends you stick with that you care, and the ones you can’t stick with that you don’t want to make fools out of them. And that is a matter of optimistic perspective and choice.
Having said that, I miss E56J and E37Q. My great buncha looneys, if you’re reading this and have not caught up with me, I hope you’re doing well guys. Miss the nonsense we had, and I just wanna tell you guys that in whatever class you are, make the best outta it. Like my class, they’re awesome people.
I also had a lot of projects on my hands. So I was really relieved that Bag-teria is over. Bag-teria is my church’s Christmas musical and I was responsible for co-ordinating and designing the foyer, for some pre-event experience. I must say it really made me feel like that is what I’ll be doing in the future in my job. It was great, it was bad and I loved it so much. Thank God for the attendance, the salvations, the redidcations and people who are interested. Yeah, Christmas is about Jesus. I think us christians spoilt the story for you people, some of us spoilt it. Christmas is a wonderful special seasons, its not about the gifts and all, its actually way wayyyyyy better. I hope you give it a hear you know? It’s the best thing I can give to you guys that mean so so much to me.
I had loads of fun with my closed and loved ones this holiday, no matter how short. and I thank God for that.
Well it’s the end of the year, and I confronted my unforgiving self. I spent so much time sulking and beating myself up this year, but I made it. All the heartaches, the anger, I feel so defeated. But I know today I am going to start overcoming them. I went for breakthrough retreat this year. Honestly, I was so afraid to go, I did not want to deal with my guilt. But I did, I did and I know its the beginning of an end. It’s gonna take me time to forgive myself of lost relationships, insults and disrespect. As a man I cannot take those, but I am learning. Tough to be a man, cos Calvin said it, no matter what God holds me responsible. It doesn’t help when I don’t know what to say and with my insecurities in my way.
I’m learning to forgive myself. So that I would allow God to forgive me. I know this is damn cliche but God is a BIG God, with a BIG Heart and His heart can manage to love me, forgive me, accept me with all that crap and care for me. And He does the same for EVERYONE, who acknowledges Him or not. That is a damn good reminder for me to let go and let God you know? It’s great to have that. That’s just awesome isn’t it.
Nice closure to the end of the year. I just hope that God, this year remind me that where I venture, You are there and help me Lord to be more interested in Your word. Amen.
Gonna read all my blogpost for the year now.
I am surprise there are people who check up here. Thank you. I guess I have not made much time to think about my life. Nevertheless, I’d want to give thanks as best as I can.
God, I love you. I don’t know why I made choices that hurt you all the time, but I just want to make a conscious effort to remember you in everything that I do. I feel lonely sometimes, and even though you’re not the most effectively source of comfort which I greatly apologise for, but I still need You. Badly. I’m sorry I’m so caught up with everything, I guess I am running away from the hurt that people whom You love do to me. I see no point in showing them love, I honestly think they don’t even know it. I would be as clueless in their position, so why bother? nevertheless I feel that it is important that I honor Your call. People drain me, they give me shit. No one gives a damn. Sure, everyone is busy, I mean so what if you’re so obviously busy in school, I have multiple lives to lead you know. My commitment comes from all kinds of direction. I guess Angeline’s right, I don’t disagree with what she says, I am a goofball who doesn’t do anything. I’m tired of being taken for granted. I can honestly say now that I can’t give a hoot about the recognition, I know what I am doing this for. But being seen like I am suppose to do this what, I think that is the worst feeling ever.
Aside of that, I have my insecurities to deal with, future I have worry about, my all important studies I have to get on with, thank God for loved ones who make me smile. Taken for granted just sucks big time. But I don’t blame them, I think it’s hard to notice. But it hurts.
I’m dealing with my anger too. I guess I need some closure from some people. After all that pain you brought me through, I think I deserve a decent sincere apology. Damn it that is all I ask for, how hard can that be. Months of shit and all I ask is “sorry”, it’s more than being lenient. No, I wouldn’t get it because you wouldn’t even know. Forget it.
I learn to suck it up, and keep walking. Only God can be my comfort, but I’m not that airy-fairy. I have to overcome them too with my effort too. I need my closure.
Through it all, I thank God, that I know I’ll make it. I’ll learn something out of this. That through suffering His grace is shown. How else would I know He is there? I also feel thankful that I bother to be fair, impartial to some extend and have enough maturity to choose not to victimise and rise above it to say that I love them enough to let it slide. But something’s that I have to fix, I guess those are the one I need closure. I’m not being cunning and hide my intentions and cover up to prevent myself. No point. The ones whom I really wanna set things straight will never even realise. So what’s the point? Suck it up, forgive, and move on.
I’m not stupid. I won’t torment myself to bits with all that pain. I still want to be jovial, and optimistic and active. That’s Jerome. It may take a little time to recover but it’s still me. I am just recovering from one of many life’s obstacle,hills whatever. Thank God I am still positive amidst all this.
That’s all folks, yes I am sad. So what? eventually I’ll be great and awesome, not because of who I am, but what He is and what He did. Don’t wear it out.
The month where defeat has finally caught up with me. But, the only reason why I am defeated is not because I am, but because I feel defeated. I believe my cause is not, because my cause does not belong to me. I am but only the bearer of the cause. I fail the cause and I fail myself. My cause lives on, and cannot carry on because of my incapability. What is this cause you may say, well let’s just say it is a representation of everything that I am fighting for.
I just realized how much this cause meant to me. Though the feeling of defeat brought me down, but I will never deny the fact that it is my choice to let it affect me, and it was my choice to allow it to happen to me. Some wise lady put it on the blog (no prize guessing who) and also a few others quoted this lovely saying that goes: In order to see the rainbow, you have to put up with the rain.
And to me in makes perfect sense! I always believed that the hard things to do in life are probably the right things. Choosing to do right is never easy, but it gets easier when you keep it up. That would be maintaining it but in order to have the discipline to maintain that, well that is another thing hard to do.
I may have took my time to seek answers for my cause or initiate anything, but my cause has already been started. I have been delivering my promise, and if you judge, you probably would not see it because you are forcing your ideals which cannot match mind, I can only feel apologetic that I cannot bring it across to you.
Well a lot of things happen in October, but one highlight is my pilgrimage into finding the different feelings, strengths, regrets and downfals I have been through in all my life. Re-visiting them was a DAMN PAINFUL process, I have to thank Xianwee for tolerating all of that. THANK YOU KKG. YOU MA LOML AND MKKW.
In this time I found out that truthfully, I don’t think I am a guy with a plan. Rather I hate to lose and I have to win. I have too much ego in me to make myself humbly accept whatever it is, and because of my drive to win, I’d do whatever it takes. It makes sense because I am extremely temperamental, I am unstable, rash and irrational. I may scan things really fast and piece together, but my creativity knows no bound and it is my shortfall because I haven’t thought it through well enough.
But I am glad I am beginning to understand myself, and understand how I am influence.
I also realize I am becoming my mother’s son, and a little slice of all my different mentors. I also hope I can form my own identity, by what Christ has given me. Maybe that is what I mean by being Christ like.
I didn’t change subject, I just wanted to piece my thoughts together and tell you that has been my journey, that was what my cause meant. I know it is almost impossible, but the culture that we all complain, that is what I want to change. I’ve started it way before I could do anything and I did something, and now that I’m there, I cannot do anything about it because I am so caught up. I believe my cause is so unworthy because it is not quantifiable and neither does it show any result. But I know at the end of the day, when I’m at judgement day, I will know I actually did something. Worth it or not, worthy or not, I can’t say. At least at this moment, I believe so.
Well I am thankful that it is clearer now how much I actually do care for my friends, and people around me.
I don’t have to say who anymore they’d probably know who they are. Some of them drain me completely and disappointed me terribly lately, but Xianwee is right, I love them too much to disregard them. Even though I have a feeling this time is different, I just want to know I did not do anything to deserve what you’re doing. Why I cannot stand you now is the fact that you did things that I never thought you’d do as my friend. If my friendship counts for nothing that you can actually entertain things like this, maybe I wasn’t a good friend after all so please I don’t wanna waste anyone’s time. I appreciate you, not your actions. You want to do them, consider your friendship archived.
I thank God for clarity this month too. I know now what it means to be a father to me a little clearer now. I know myself a little better and I too am really happy and thank God that My mum is way more cheery and I have Mum, Josh Xianwee, Saph, JY and Sarah in my life. They are a lot closer to me. If I don’t mention you it doesn’t mean I don’t love you kay. It’s just you gotta understand this people are always ALWAYS around me.
Hello my ever patient readers, that is if I actually do have readers, thank you for waiting.
Well, September has been an interesting break, filled with great and not so great stuff.
Results came out and I got to say I was thankful, my dear girlfriend pointed out that through my points, how what I have accomplished through my objectives, and I really thank God for that. I just hope this following semester, that my vision for SOH slowly crystallizes at its optimal form. Though my mum isn’t celebrative about my results, I am happy with it, I just wished she was, and that I could convince myself too. It was okay, trust me, it’s only my expectations. There is always next sem. Now that I have said it, i shall take the effort to make this true. Haha.
As I reflect on SOH deeply this holiday, I have found myself new directions. Well, actually, same direction with a new found drive. Again, I thank God that I found out a little bit more about myself, and I have gained some deeply desired perspective. It’s time for me to wake up, and this September, God woke me up. Honestly, I think it’s a little hard for me to explain, but just know, there’s something Jerome is gonna do this sem. I went to Shanghai mah you know, this kinda things have a huge potential to make me think a lot you know? hahahah. Check out what happened at my team’s travel blog.
I rejoice that I am blessed with a burden, that I have the tug to do something, and I am going to do it. This month, I had a lot of clarity, and with my friends, a new found trust.
It’s more than just a refresh button for me this holiday, it’s like install updates, which could even potentially be as good as a new OS. Hahaha.
Oh, since we’re there, thank God for the comfortable life in Singapore.
And leading to the point, thank god for Mrs Lee Kuan Yew. I pray that Mr Lee will find clarity in his faith, he deserves that much. RIP, Mrs Lee.
The BB Vesper. Always sung at the end of every BB parade or event.
Great God who knowest all our needsBless thou our watch, and guard our sleepForgive our sins. of thoughts and deedsand in Thy peace, Thy servants keepWe thank Thee for the day that’s doneWe thrust Thee for the days to beThy love we learn in Christ Thy SonOh may we all His glory seeAmen
My last vesper will be the hardest to sing.
I wish I didn’t have to give it up, I really wish I don’t have to. But I believe there must be something I have to do now, and I am going to do just that.
Have been doing a lot of thinking lately, about things like my habits that I don’t notice usually, my mannerisms and my perspective, my priorities so on.
(suddenly I get the feeling that I am going to be repetitive, but repetitive is good, cos I learn better, by revising what I already learn and it constantly stays fresh. Haha this is an assurance to myself.)
I have been thinking how much more I need to grow as I wanna take on a new responsibility, or coping with my responsibilities. Haha, you know when I was a kid, I always, always thought I can do things like how I did forever, because I do not want to take the fun out of some things. Boy I was wrong, no wonder they always say “he/she’s just a kid, they wouldn’t understand” because REALLY, we only see things prima facie, but in actual fact, Woah got so many things to consider man, really I feel like I’m gowing up fast suddenly. It’s not that I do not like it, I love freedom, I love independence, I love growing up to be a man and everything that comes with it, I mean its not that I am masochistic that I like bad things happening to me, I just accept that it comes together, its a package. Like in KFC (which I am at right now) you order 2 pc chicken meal, it comes with coleslaw and mashed potato, the most you change to cheese fries or regular fries, but it still come one. cannot do anything about it. So yep.
Anw, it completes the meal, so make the best out of undesired situations! (repetitive again huh, man I AM growing old and naggy) I think about how confined my thoughts are, how I like to stay afe in my comfort zone, how lazy I am and how much more I have to do to truly, be at my optimum. I hope as I decide to print this blogpost i am reminded everyday not to waste oppotunities and give the best I can.
Lately I have been thinking ( you know right… haha) that my shortfalls get the better of me, mainly my ego.
I confess lah, I hold a lot of leaders in high regard, I sometimes do feel inferior. Like Lesden, Hellven, Khai and Nat, really think they’re more capable than me. Always wonder you know, but somehow I became the leader.
There must be something in me that did it, but I have nothing really leh. Then I thought about it, it is not me, it definitely not me that did it. It was what I relied on, and what I have inside me. All of it was what God gave me, slowly throught experiences and through my leaders. I am, what I have deduced, nothing. But with God I am something. I feel great. And I also have no reason to boast now, cos it is not by my deed.
How great, that I have a God that helps me make sense of things. I always think I do not do enough for the ones I love too, but I think it’s either I try too hard or I think too much or I’m not doing it right. But as I reflect, I guess I already gave my best. And to my non-christian readers, hey thanks for putting up with this.
I realise being president of SOH club, I havent done enough, next semester will be different. I am gonna really try like uber hard now. I guess I was so distracted by heartaches that I was too sulky to deal with, now that I have gotten over it, time to start doing things again.
Oh and hello xianwee, thanks for coming to church with me. Love the kids huh;) Just wanna be thankful for you.
Lately, its lack-of all I can think about. Lately, nothing seems to really satisfy.
I keep looking for answers, but I have not even ask the question. I just hope something justifies how I feel, and I do not even know what it is.
I am finding me, again.
I am finding, the jerome that gave his heart wholly, to His hands. I am finding the faith I used to have, and make it relelvant to me now.
August has been trying, but again I am thankful.
I saw bliss and break-ups. I saw cheers, and disagreements. I saw life, and death. I feel joy and pain. You know, at every spectrum I saw the whole range of it.
I’ve been trying to make sense of my life you know, explain it. I guess, its yet again, a way of trying to control my life, to justify and explain things, and make sure I understand because I fear the unknown and I don’t trust Him. You know I keep saying I make progress, the truth is I would keep doing so. i would never be good at it, i can only acknowledge my brokeness. Realisation and being honest to myself is what I need to keep, to have a humble posture in life.
I wanna find the good in jerome over the years, because lately, I see no value in myself anymore. When the calvins all talked about how we cannot inspire kids anymore, I think we just feel washed out, an in a bad way.
But I think about my washed out shirt, i love wearing them because they are comfortable and memorable, I just have to look at them in a different light.
Xianwee talked about the 3 movies. Yeah i loved them. I loved them tremendously. Step up 3 made me think: what was the joy i found in having when I was young? the things that I couldn’t stop doing no matter what.
I was reading Blackest night, and it beings with Hal Jordan (the greatest green lantern of all) visiting Batman’s unmarked grave. He is then joined by Barry Allen, who is the greatest Flash of all. Both of them had something in common: they died and fund a way back. They talked about their funeral, and Hal explained how different it was. Barry was honored, while Hal’s grave was desecrated by his old allies because he went insane. Hal said in much dismal how different it was being a superhero then and now, and how many people died for the cause. He continued saying that superheroes used to be untouchable, and began to question why. As I grow up, I find myself saying: Why did maturity brought me so much disappointment? I used to be so carefree.
The next time Barry and Hal met: They were at a morgue in Justice league HQ. Barry sees so much fallen allies and even rogues there. He finally Realises that when Hal said many have fallen, it was worse then he thought.While browsing the morgue, Barry turns to Hal and asks: So who else?
Hal stood there in silence. Barry then gives a stren grim look at Hal and demanded: Who else died while I was gone? I want to know, Hal.
Hal looks down, in a lot of agony, and said: Okay.
Barry sees all his fallen comrades in his absense.
He then projected with his ring all the heroes that has fallen, during th time when Barry was still dead (he died a really long time ago).
She out of my league showed me something that I always struggled with, I am not good enough for myself. I see how I tend to think of that a lot. When the boy had true confidence in himself, he tried so hard to get back the girl of his dreams. How he did it, was hilarious, go watch it.
Hal and Barry then confronted their past, in the form of the dead bodies of their old friends, who taunted and insulted them. This month, I saw that. How my inconfidence, my regrets, got the better of me and as I thought about my past while I took time to journey through my past and doing all the things I use to do, Walking my primary and secondary school, the places I use to hang, pictures, serving in sunbeam nursery, bt timah hill, artefacts and friends, I only feel .
Still looking good aft the climb... not! TOUCH UP TOUCH UP!
(Sorry my dear readers, if the post too long, you can come back here to read tomorrow or the following day)
Grown ups. Man I love that movie. Reminds me of my friends and how how we never wanna grow up. reminds me of how my friends and I want to live together next time and do all the crazy stuff. All walk different lives, but remembering a great man, their coach once said: when the final buzzer went off (buzzer nose: EHHHHHHHHHHHHH), make sure you have not live with regret you know the carpe diem thing?
Well, Hal and Barry in the last part of the story saved the day, like they always do but not because of their powers, but the spirit they approach the problem.
They knew what life meant to them, and they (literally) fought death and won (it’s a comic book, its exagerated, c’mon). I dunno what the hell that means to me, but I know I’m not going to give up. I know for me to read balckest night I retrace the story right from the begiining, reading all the previous stry lines to finally read this book, so I thought maybe I should do that so that I’ll appreciate my life too.
Maybe as usual, I have not notice the important things that i should just like how we all use carpe diem, but carpe diem belonged to the longer phrase Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero – “Seize the day, trusting as little as possible in the future”. See what reading out of context removes the original intent sometimes?
Can you spot me?
USHER ICs ... PLUS SARAH
4E4 ART STUDENTS!
HAHA Seraphina and DESTINY CAMP
Damn, i was really skinny.
Well, Im not done with my walkabout. I am still looking in my past. I am anticipating to read all my past entries for this year, but for now, my journey is incomplete. Haha.
August. It taught me how to let go even in areas so incredibly unnoticable, how retracing my steps would help me find the joy I have for my wonderful daddy God, how to notice the important things, yet again. I think its in reptition for a reason.
For now, I know I really wanna show and tell Jesus to the next generation. And to my loved ones. But I think I have to put some things to rest, and find what I can give, before I can do it.
Over the years being a christian, I’ve seen many who shared how they saw God as a father they never had, a heavenly father. To be honest, I just felt extremely impressed by it.
Of late I’ve been cussing about the fact that I don’t have enough guidance, and even if there was i would reject it because it doesn’t feel at all what I would say as “fatherly”, you know what I mean how a dad would have words that really impact the son. The kinda connection, words and description cannot explain you know. It just exist in front of us.
I felt extremely humbled when I thought about it on the MRT. I mean hey, I’m a christian! Many times I can proudly profess this is not a religion and not a relationship, and God is not some entity I worship but someone who knows me, inside out, relevant personally and to everyone at the same time and yet, I failed to see Him, as a Heavenly Father.
I failed to see the privilege to see Him as daddy God. I mean wow. My thoughts and deeds are influenced by the many time I spend with Him, his influence on me are governing whatever I think or do, you know what I mean right. I mean how awesome it is that He always loved me, He always gave me the best, even though I complain and I don;t understand He is still faithfully there not impatient, but loving. Wow. How foolish have I been missing such a wonderous thought. I fail Him again and again, He forgives me and even atones for my sin because He is too righteous to compromise a wise judgement. That is THE Man, seriously.
Tonight, I sleep better knowing that the void in me, and something in me I always thought lacking has a hope. A role model father I can follow, who gives me role models and mentors to guide me, who gives me a sufficient time.
I have a better reason to wake up every day, spend a little time with Him and enjoy it, and smile. Really it makes me really happy.
I always hear Xianwee talk about this song. Switchfoot’s 24. Felt extremely led to share about what I feel about this song.
I am a second man everyday, because I know that’s what I’m called to do. To die to myself, to change my heart daily to love more purely. Yet temptations and anger distract me and cost me dearly.
I’ve been thinking what limits me. I always think I’m good enough. Always think that someone will eventually push me to greater heights. I have never really truly felt that I should challenge myself.
When I look at things, I am never apathetic unless someone reminds me. I do not have to do anything unless I am required to do so. Since everyone is doing it, and it’s not wrong to tag slong, I’ll just do it. Everything, no matter what I do or say is about me. Excuses are stupid, if I can prove what I’m worth with something else I will.
All these thoughts, I struggle to accept them even as I acknowledge their existence. Being human it strives on all the things that bring us down, how I wish one day I’ll stop bragging and start acting on them because I am more than human. I am a broken man, that is meaningless, but have a purposeful life and destiny, because of a factual yet sort of unexplainable salvation.
I have to stop and reflect. Start wrestling with an angel, for more than a name. More than an assurance. But to be one who has clean hands and a pure heart, who only has one meaning purpose, for he desires a more satisfying prize, and to be like a generation who gave everything to that purpose (Psalms 24:4-6).
In God, whose word I praise in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me? (Psalms 56:4)
I think if fear grips me, paralyses me to do greater things, I should be ashame and wake up now. Start fixing it, and relying on God’s power to succeed, so that He is accredited for it. Struggles? Pfft. Hard they may be, I know I’ll get it through with prayer. Apathy? Sheesh. Open my eyes to see and respond. All so difficult, all looks so much hard work, “if not you then not you then who; if not now then when?”
If anyone wants to kick a fuss, let them be. Sarah always says to count your blessings. Xianwee never gives up. Asaph always tries. Jingyi always smiles. I? I know all of that, and I learn from it. Limiting yourself is like one of the many shit things we should never do lah, c’mon join me. Start being a hero. Start being God’s little helpers or do-gooders. A little goes a long way. I think even inconveniencing yourself a little goes a long way for others, Mr Lee KY hit the nail by simply saying “sacrifice”.
I’m not asking you to do wonders in your life, Im not going too to do it myself as well. I am just saying that today, I made another discovery. That I could do so much more, with less thining, less talking because I have done enough of that to prove my point. Now I have to do something about it.
24- Switchfoot
Twenty four oceans
Twenty four skies
Twenty four failures
Twenty four tries
Twenty four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
Twenty four drop outs
At the end of the day
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty four hours ago
Still I’m singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And I’m not who I thought I was twenty four hours ago
Still I’m singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
Twenty four reasons to admit that I’m wrong
With all my excuses still twenty four strong
See I’m not copping out not copping out not copping out
When You’re raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now
And You’re raising these twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts
But I wan to be one today
Centered and true
I’m singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
You’re raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now
And You’re raising the dead in me
I want to see miracles, see the world change
Wrestled the angel, for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I’m singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And You’re raising the dead in me
Twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts.
I’m not copping out. Not copping out. Not copping out.
.
