So this is it. October.
The month where defeat has finally caught up with me. But, the only reason why I am defeated is not because I am, but because I feel defeated. I believe my cause is not, because my cause does not belong to me. I am but only the bearer of the cause. I fail the cause and I fail myself. My cause lives on, and cannot carry on because of my incapability. What is this cause you may say, well let’s just say it is a representation of everything that I am fighting for.
I just realized how much this cause meant to me. Though the feeling of defeat brought me down, but I will never deny the fact that it is my choice to let it affect me, and it was my choice to allow it to happen to me. Some wise lady put it on the blog (no prize guessing who) and also a few others quoted this lovely saying that goes: In order to see the rainbow, you have to put up with the rain.
And to me in makes perfect sense! I always believed that the hard things to do in life are probably the right things. Choosing to do right is never easy, but it gets easier when you keep it up. That would be maintaining it but in order to have the discipline to maintain that, well that is another thing hard to do.
I may have took my time to seek answers for my cause or initiate anything, but my cause has already been started. I have been delivering my promise, and if you judge, you probably would not see it because you are forcing your ideals which cannot match mind, I can only feel apologetic that I cannot bring it across to you.
Well a lot of things happen in October, but one highlight is my pilgrimage into finding the different feelings, strengths, regrets and downfals I have been through in all my life. Re-visiting them was a DAMN PAINFUL process, I have to thank Xianwee for tolerating all of that. THANK YOU KKG. YOU MA LOML AND MKKW.
In this time I found out that truthfully, I don’t think I am a guy with a plan. Rather I hate to lose and I have to win. I have too much ego in me to make myself humbly accept whatever it is, and because of my drive to win, I’d do whatever it takes. It makes sense because I am extremely temperamental, I am unstable, rash and irrational. I may scan things really fast and piece together, but my creativity knows no bound and it is my shortfall because I haven’t thought it through well enough.
But I am glad I am beginning to understand myself, and understand how I am influence.
I also realize I am becoming my mother’s son, and a little slice of all my different mentors. I also hope I can form my own identity, by what Christ has given me. Maybe that is what I mean by being Christ like.
I didn’t change subject, I just wanted to piece my thoughts together and tell you that has been my journey, that was what my cause meant. I know it is almost impossible, but the culture that we all complain, that is what I want to change. I’ve started it way before I could do anything and I did something, and now that I’m there, I cannot do anything about it because I am so caught up. I believe my cause is so unworthy because it is not quantifiable and neither does it show any result. But I know at the end of the day, when I’m at judgement day, I will know I actually did something. Worth it or not, worthy or not, I can’t say. At least at this moment, I believe so.
Well I am thankful that it is clearer now how much I actually do care for my friends, and people around me.
I don’t have to say who anymore they’d probably know who they are. Some of them drain me completely and disappointed me terribly lately, but Xianwee is right, I love them too much to disregard them. Even though I have a feeling this time is different, I just want to know I did not do anything to deserve what you’re doing. Why I cannot stand you now is the fact that you did things that I never thought you’d do as my friend. If my friendship counts for nothing that you can actually entertain things like this, maybe I wasn’t a good friend after all so please I don’t wanna waste anyone’s time. I appreciate you, not your actions. You want to do them, consider your friendship archived.
I thank God for clarity this month too. I know now what it means to be a father to me a little clearer now. I know myself a little better and I too am really happy and thank God that My mum is way more cheery and I have Mum, Josh Xianwee, Saph, JY and Sarah in my life. They are a lot closer to me. If I don’t mention you it doesn’t mean I don’t love you kay. It’s just you gotta understand this people are always ALWAYS around me.
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