I wonder how many people think I am a dork for the things I do and say.
I am insecure, God forgive me inability to appreciate myself. I feel that my negative thoughts are the most hostile crap I face up to every morning when I wake and every night when I lay, I feel defeated.
Lately I’ve been fighting them off, I feel better. But I sensed that the battle wears me, and I find that I keeping up with it is going to be such a long and treacherous journey. Worst, during this birthday, I felt like life is going to be full of repetitions, but of different forms. I feel defeated.
These thoughts, I cannot control due to its excessive amount that overpowers me. However, I have been trying to convince myself that it is my choice to let it not affect me. I have been out of practice with my optimism, but I have seen improvements and I recognise I want to do better and I do not want to slide back into my negativity.
Lately I have had a lot of practice. I realised that I have been drowning myself in them. I am easily wavered by opinions and testing and I do not believe in myself enough. I know that currently it affects how I perform in UT, as a leader and in class, God help me to believe in myself, help me to believe in You more.
I know that my identity is in Christ, and in Him I am something for He lives in me. But like a seeker of the faith, I desire for myself to discover that and own the faith.
I thank God I have overcame my issues with my pride, insults and hatred. Even though I feel extremely victimised, I know I have a share of the fault to the situation. The scar stays, the memories that accompany it still lingers and it still stings, I may not be stronger person, but I am a little better.
But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness; he does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded him. 1 John 2:11
I hope that I continue to press on.
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